how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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