I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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