Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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