I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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