dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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