And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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