Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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