He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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