You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
