Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
BRING THE BAGELS
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
