At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
