I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Also, beer. Big fan.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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