i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
