my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
