i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
