i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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