I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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