she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
