I want to walk on stilts...naked
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
