Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
