the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
