she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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