why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
