Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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