Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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