So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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