just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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