if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
