I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
