she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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