And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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