Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I did not marry a roomba.
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