There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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