Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
