You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
