i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
id be glad to
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
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