I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
