Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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