Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
