my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
