Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
