help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
