and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Randomize
