So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
