why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
