I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
