So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
