I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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