Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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