Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
