do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
this boner is exhausting
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
