I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
