with your own penis?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
